So today was hard, or should I say soft?

So it turns out I'm part of the 20% of marriages that are sexless. Yup that's me over here, and I'm not proud of it either. My husband and I have struggled for the past 5 months trying to figure out our intimate life, and last night we finally reached that point where he clearly spelled out for me that he simply isn't interested in sex.

Now as a background for you, we have been together for 7 going on 8 years and just got married about 6 months ago. Dylan has made his affection and commitment quite clear to me over the years, and I know that he doesn't want anyone else. He lets me know how attractive he finds me, always telling me how beautiful and sexy I am. So, I know there isn't a problem where you might think there's one. He's not cheating or anything, he just doesn't like sex.

Which has a lot of implications for me. Self-perceptions got clouded with a lot of doubts. Was I bad at sex? Was I not good enough for him? What was wrong with me for him to not want me? omg he doesn't want me. My perception of his affection for me diminished and I frequently felt neglected. I didn't feel loved or wanted all because I couldn't understand why he didn't want me in bed.

According to mass media, men are sex animals and that's all they want. It was a "fact" that led me to an eating disorder freshman year. Life is all about sex and so you need to conform to what is sexy or be alone. So, when men don't want sex it must be the other person, because men want sex all the time. So, something is wrong with me right? Yet here I am, in a loving and committed relationship without sex. What?

It didn't make any sense, and I ended up reaching out to a very close relative of mine. The answer I got from her? A sexless marriage isn't really a marriage- those weren't her exact words but it was what I got from her when she let me know that a sexless marriage is a good reason to get a divorce. And man that hit me hard. I got way upset, because I love my husband and I will never ever ever leave him.

So I went to google to find out if anyone else had this problem. That's how I found out 20% of marriages are sexless (at this blog, xoJane) I was relieved but also still upset. I've only been having intimacy problems for 5 months. These women only have sex at most 10 times a year, and they described how their marriage started off with lots of great sex that they no longer have. That is not something I look forward to.

But they also described how they made their marriage work, not by forcing sex, but by focusing on other relationship building aspects. This is what I needed, I needed to know that my attempts at making a sexless marriage work will not be in vain. Of course we still have a lot of problems and feelings to work through- how is my husband going to make me feel wanted and loved without sex? how we can experience deep intimacy without sex? How is this going to affect our family plans?- but these are things we can work on, whereas before we were trying to force something that just wasn't realistic.

With our new understanding of our challenges we are working with, and accepting those challenges we can find new ways to be a loving, affectionate, functional couple.

#Finals

Well look at me, forgetting to blog again. This week I ran around in circles screaming and chasing my tail, as it is the second to last week of classes, meaning everything stressful is due in a matter of days. For some reason that also means 2% of students have decided to become social butterflies at the exact inappropriate time. 

"Alright guys finals are coming up, don't talk to me if I even remotely look like I'm studying."

"Yeh totally I respect that, but do you mind if I invite over friends to just hang out at our apt every day this week?" 

"No, I need to study they will be loud."

"Ok great theyre coming over at 5" 

And thus the library extended hours were born. 

The same thing goes with professors too. 

"Oh hi teacher classes are almost over, I just have to study for the final and then I can go home, peace of cake right?" 

"Haha yes yes it's all very easy, listen I know youve worked hard and earned good grades so far this semester so why don't I give you a huge project due the last day of class worth almost half your grade?" 

"No that isn't that cool actually, I thought the bulk of my grade was supposed to come from the bulk of class that I worked so hard on, and you know finals take a long time to study for in order to do well on them." 

"Great great I knew you would agree, all the other professors know this is exactly what you need right now too"

"....." *keils over and dies. 

So, moral of the story end of the semester is unreasonably hard for no logical reason. 

Now, well actually I have no solution to this. Not an effective one technically, I let myself buy snacks at the end of the semester because comfort, I mean brain, food helps right? If you find a solution to end the stressful madness of finals you should let me know. But until then I will get by on the knowledge that somebody, probably you, has it worse than I. 

~Birdy

#Crochet

I FINALLY MADE TIME TO FINISH MY CROCHET OCTOPUS PROJECT!!!!!

So a few months ago (before school started) I started a crochet animal but then school started and I didn't have time to finish it until recently.

This is what I made, in a tutorial video! Enjoy.

This is what I made, in a tutorial video! Enjoy.
Also, I've decided I like making these tutorial videos for crochet, and I will be making more in the future. Even though this one wasnt all that great I will learn and get better at making them, because I love doing it.

And this is what I will be making next:

~Birdy

#greek

So today, actually at this moment while I am typing, I am "listening" to a guest lecturer speak on... We'll something. He is saying something about why ancient literature on how Hannibal crossing the Andes mountains is significant for something. In case you havn't noticed I have entirely lost interest in this lecture, mainly because most of it is in greek and latin and partly because I don't see the point in this lecture. He is talking about a man taking an army across a mountain, and the purpose of the speech has nothing to do with war tactics or overcoming mountains.

But more importantly I noticed his method of delivery is dry. Listening to this man ramble on about... something made me wonder why positive psychologists are more entertaining to listen to than ancient historians. Then I thought of my communications class (because that is the subject on which I am pondering, why one communicator is successful and he other not so). Why are historians lacking in communication while therapists communicate wonderfully on average? I suppose I can't generalize that far.

My conclusion is that historians don't try to connect to their audience or to draw them in, they assume if the audience wants to listen they will just automatically listen and follow the historians content. I think therapists overcome this easily by their subject matter. Therapists are always talking about how humans work, and si their first sentence always goes something like, " im going to tell you how you or your friends work," which all of us are interested in and so we listen. Historians don't have that advantage, they should tell us at the beginning what their material has to do with us, either as an individual or as a human race, to attract our attention.

I guess what I really learned today is how important it is to connect with your audience.

~Birdy

#Exercise

Warning: this one is pretty personal and slightly dramatic if you can't respect that then you should not read this.

I cant emphasize enough how important excercise is, and also how important leisure is, to every individual's lifestyle.

These past two weeks have been really hard, I fractured my ankle (I thought I sprained it but I guess not) and so I couldn't run on the treadmill anymore. The first two-three days were itchy, I just itched to workout. The next week I had symptoms similar to depression. One day I sat in my room and just felt awful about everything. I didn't see the bright side of anyone or anything. To be honest with you, sitting around my apartment for that long made me feel lazy and fat. Before you go thinking this is all really dramatic for not working out for a week I want you to know this isnt unique to these past few weeks. Sometimes I do get feelings of depression and hello I'm a girl, I am very concious about whether I am doing things to help me gain or loose weight. But none of these things are ever clinically significant enough to diagnose me with anything. These are just feelings that just happen.

I want you to think about your everyday feelings and really notice where you tend to average, most of us (yes even including me) average around ok. Now I'm telling you when I started working out regularly I started averaging "good" better even, closer to "great." But I didn't notice really until it changed, until I couldn't work out anymore. Eventually I made it to the pool and worked out there instead of running and I felt the difference immediately after I finished. Breathing felt better, I felt happy, I felt good about myself, my stress levels went down, and I felt sexy and heathy. It was fantastic

Exercising is so good for you it makes you feel better and cope better with everything you're facing. It is a small change in every aspect of how you feel that feels like a huge difference. Oh and I think it's supposed to be healthy or something. Please just try it it will make you feel better even if its just for one day, you'll be glad you did!

~Birdy

#Fieldtrip

Yesterday I went to an internship fair/networking event for my major and it was the coolest thing of my career searching experience thus far.

What I mean is there isn't usually booths at career fairs for anything related to my field. So being able to walk into a room with 10+ opportunities relevant to my field was like walking into a candy store.

There were so many places that were genuinely interested in me, places that used adventure therapy and places in provo, places that use all sorts of interventions and serve a variety of populations. I met people who use my favorite things as therapy and they gave me their number to call them. It was super exciting

By the end I didn't have the mindset of struggling to find a place to volunteer this summer, I left trying to plan out how I could intern at two different places both of which I am really excited to work with and with which to gain more experience.

Here's to a bright looking future!
~Birdy

#Prison

So today I went to the psychiatric hospital and volunteered in their forensics unit. Basically, I went to the mental hospital prison. Willingly. 

And it was awesome!

So back up a little bit, ever since I can remember I've always wanted to help out the people in prison. There were multiple occasions where I asked my parents, youth leaders etc. if we could bring the criminals cookies and cheer the way we bring the old folks cookies and cheer. All I wanted to do was help. So, when I found out that recreational therapists can help the people in jail I got really really really excited. And this week when I found out I was going to be able to go into a jail unit I got really really excited. 

Then today I actually got to go in, and it was awesome. 

I walked up to the building into the waiting room and the intercom came on and said step forward, locked the door behind me, verified my identification and had me walk through another door that locked behind me. I was in! Life-long dream accomplished. I'm not sure if non-psychiatric jail units are less welcoming than the building I stepped into (which part of me is sure they are dismal and part of me is open to a homey feeling jail). Anyway it was pretty nice in there. I started out playing in a PE group in the gym, and then we did an art group, and then it was time for me to go. We played lightening, and I got to take care of the art room and supervise the patients while they expressed themselves through art. 

I had a great time. 

Part of me was surprised at how normal they all were, we played ball just like me and my non-convicted friends would play. We laughed and made jokes the same way my "normal" friends would make jokes. They were really good at art. They have feelings to express, and those feelings came out in the form of heroes and gods and flowers and mountains. It was beautiful. The walls of their living areas are lined with puzzles they've completed. Perhaps they have made bad choices, some even very very bad choices, but they also are human beings. They have a soul and emotions and mental illnesses that require help, care, and attention. That's what I saw today. I saw people, they need somebody, and I have a stronger desire now to help them than I did before.

~Birdy